I’m never safe from the gaze of those men who are undressing me in their minds. I’m never safe from the unwanted hands touching me when I least expect it. It doesn’t matter what time of the day, which part of the city, crowded or uncrowded, I’m unsafe everywhere I go no matter what I’m doing. I could be standing in the most decent and “acceptable by society” clothes or I could be wearing a short dress, it won’t make a difference. But what I don’t get is why I’m constantly filled with this fear and so many others around me aren’t. Are they not experiencing the same things that I am? I feel like no matter what I do, this shit always happens to me and will always keep me in a bubble of fear while the others live freely.
You know that guy they talk about in all those articles, Instagram posts and Tumblr posts? Yeah, that perfect guy who does a list of things that he’s meant to do according to everyone out there. The one that every girl can only dream about as if it’s a fairytale that you know will never come true but yet it doesn’t stop you from hoping. You are that guy. And no, you’re not just what these posts describe, you are so much more than that. You are that guy that every girl dreams of call hers and sometimes I have to convince myself that this is real, you are real and we are real. I didn’t know that this love really exists. No movie, no book, no writing has even come close to describing this love. They all describe it as admiration for the other person, infatuation, the inability to stay away from each other, sex, break ups and makeups. They don’t talk about how it’s so much more than all of this. It’s about two people understanding each other, being there for each other, being apart but still surviving, being their own person while supporting each other and growing together.
I can joke in the middle of a serious conversation without having you get annoyed. I can pause a fight because there is something more important that I need you for and you’ll understand. I can push away my issues to be there for you. I will fight against whatever comes in the way of us and I know that you’ll be there standing next to me.
You are so much more than just the guy that I love. You are my inspiration, safe haven and strength. You know me better than I know myself. You’ve broken down all my walls and gotten to know the real me, you pick me up when I fall and you love me when I need it the most. I can’t even begin to explain how grateful I am for having you in my life and for all that you do. There’s a sense of security that erases all doubt and makes me sure of you and us and this is the first time that I have been sure of anything in my life. I love you.
When you try to pick up a conversation with someone you haven’t talked to in a while and used to be close to, but you notice that they don’t make any effort to talk to you and just push you further away to the point where you realize that things have changed and it’d be probably better to let go. People come and go, sadly. Even the ones you thought you’d never lose.
Crawling into your arms and letting your warm embrace take over me is one of the best feelings in the world. When I am holding you tight, I can feel all my fears leave and the stillness take over. I never knew I could be this comfortable and content at the same time. The rhythm of your heartbeat is the calming sound that instantly puts me to sleep and that’s when you enter my dreams to let me know that everything will be okay. Your soft kisses, your fingers running through my hair and you patting my head put a smile on my sleepy face because that’s when I know how much you love me. Knowing that you will be right next to me, holding me tight when I wake up in the middle of the night gives me a sense of comfort that I never knew existed. I love it when my every attempt to move away from you fails cause you just pull me closer or move to me and once again hold me tight, all while you’re asleep. Our bodies intertwining in our unconscious state leaving us blissfully happy. This is what sleeping with you feels like, this and so much more.
Sometimes, and for no particular reason, sadness just takes over. It becomes a space where you’re comfortable. No matter how hard you try to rationalise this sadness, you’ll never find a reason. It just is what it is. You’re just sad. It’s in moments like these when you question life and try to look for answers but you’re too sad and tired to function and so you choose to sleep. When you’re sleeping, you don’t have to worry about the sadness or life and somehow the next morning everything will seem okay once again. Sometimes, it’s good to be sad for no reason. Just to feel good again.