I keep reminding myself that “expectations lead to disappointments” and yet I keep expecting and getting hurt. How do you make me so stupid? Why do I let you hurt me again and again? Why is my guard so down that I’m letting this happen to me over and over. I guess I just need to keep reminding myself to not expect cause you will let me down.
Between a kiss and a glance, there’s a moment. A moment that makes you feel like the world has stopped. Time is frozen. It’s just you and me. In that moment, only you matter. The only thing between us is the anticipation of you lips on mine and mine on yours. A moment so intense that it hangs in the air and pulls us closer to each other with every passing second. A moment so perfect that when we kiss, it feels like finally, but really, it’s only just the beginning.
I want to pull him close but also want space. I want to tell him everything that’s on my mind yet I don’t want to let him in. I miss him but I want the distance. I love him but I’m still scared. I’ve never been so sure yet so confused. Confused about what? I don’t even know. He just makes me a confused mess. I want to be myself around him yet I find myself holding back. I want this and that.
Wine stained lips, soft music filling the air and a warm night breeze. The city is quiet outside. We are two silhouettes against the soft city lights. Our bodies are close, closer than they can ever be. Hands exploring every inch of each other. Time slows down, this is our moment. It’s just me and you, nothing else matters. We reveal ourselves to each other in this silent night, no words spoken. The night is thick with love, romance and naked kisses. Restless minds are calm, no fears, no insecurities, no inhibitions. You look like magic to me. Ignited by passion, we make love all night. I am hopelessly and madly in love with you. This slow night is etched into my mind for the rest of my life.
I’m never safe from the gaze of those men who are undressing me in their minds. I’m never safe from the unwanted hands touching me when I least expect it. It doesn’t matter what time of the day, which part of the city, crowded or uncrowded, I’m unsafe everywhere I go no matter what I’m doing. I could be standing in the most decent and “acceptable by society” clothes or I could be wearing a short dress, it won’t make a difference. But what I don’t get is why I’m constantly filled with this fear and so many others around me aren’t. Are they not experiencing the same things that I am? I feel like no matter what I do, this shit always happens to me and will always keep me in a bubble of fear while the others live freely.
You know that guy they talk about in all those articles, Instagram posts and Tumblr posts? Yeah, that perfect guy who does a list of things that he’s meant to do according to everyone out there. The one that every girl can only dream about as if it’s a fairytale that you know will never come true but yet it doesn’t stop you from hoping. You are that guy. And no, you’re not just what these posts describe, you are so much more than that. You are that guy that every girl dreams of call hers and sometimes I have to convince myself that this is real, you are real and we are real. I didn’t know that this love really exists. No movie, no book, no writing has even come close to describing this love. They all describe it as admiration for the other person, infatuation, the inability to stay away from each other, sex, break ups and makeups. They don’t talk about how it’s so much more than all of this. It’s about two people understanding each other, being there for each other, being apart but still surviving, being their own person while supporting each other and growing together.
I can joke in the middle of a serious conversation without having you get annoyed. I can pause a fight because there is something more important that I need you for and you’ll understand. I can push away my issues to be there for you. I will fight against whatever comes in the way of us and I know that you’ll be there standing next to me.
You are so much more than just the guy that I love. You are my inspiration, safe haven and strength. You know me better than I know myself. You’ve broken down all my walls and gotten to know the real me, you pick me up when I fall and you love me when I need it the most. I can’t even begin to explain how grateful I am for having you in my life and for all that you do. There’s a sense of security that erases all doubt and makes me sure of you and us and this is the first time that I have been sure of anything in my life. I love you.
When you try to pick up a conversation with someone you haven’t talked to in a while and used to be close to, but you notice that they don’t make any effort to talk to you and just push you further away to the point where you realize that things have changed and it’d be probably better to let go. People come and go, sadly. Even the ones you thought you’d never lose.