Crawling into your arms and letting your warm embrace take over me is one of the best feelings in the world. When I am holding you tight, I can feel all my fears leave and the stillness take over. I never knew I could be this comfortable and content at the same time. The rhythm of your heartbeat is the calming sound that instantly puts me to sleep and that’s when you enter my dreams to let me know that everything will be okay. Your soft kisses, your fingers running through my hair and you patting my head put a smile on my sleepy face because that’s when I know how much you love me. Knowing that you will be right next to me, holding me tight when I wake up in the middle of the night gives me a sense of comfort that I never knew existed. I love it when my every attempt to move away from you fails cause you just pull me closer or move to me and once again hold me tight, all while you’re asleep. Our bodies intertwining in our unconscious state leaving us blissfully happy. This is what sleeping with you feels like, this and so much more.
Sometimes, and for no particular reason, sadness just takes over. It becomes a space where you’re comfortable. No matter how hard you try to rationalise this sadness, you’ll never find a reason. It just is what it is. You’re just sad. It’s in moments like these when you question life and try to look for answers but you’re too sad and tired to function and so you choose to sleep. When you’re sleeping, you don’t have to worry about the sadness or life and somehow the next morning everything will seem okay once again. Sometimes, it’s good to be sad for no reason. Just to feel good again.
Let’s run away. Let’s runaway to anywhere in the world but away from life and reality. Let’s escape from all of this and go to our own world, one that you and I have created. Let’s sit on mountains and stare at the night sky. The night sky that’s filled with stars, reminding us of how small we really are, making us question life, inspiring us and creating deep conversations between us. Let’s dive into deep blue waters and soak in all the beauty and energy around us. Let’s stop time, you and I together. Let’s escape into our own world that’s filled with love and nothing else. Let’s explore each other and get lost in each other. Let’s run away because reality and life suck anyway. Come with me?
Somehow, no matter how hard I try, my mind goes back to comparing me to her. You probably aren’t comparing the two of us but I am. When I am with you, I think about how her hands would’ve fit into yours, how she would’ve smelt when you lay next to her. I think about how she would’ve looked when you woke up next to her in the morning or how she would’ve felt when you cuddled and slept with her all night. I know it’s stupid for me to do this, but my mind won’t stop. When I am with you, I wonder how she must have done everything better than I do, how she would’ve looked walking around the room with you. I probably won’t ever be like her, at least not in bed. I know I need to stop thinking this, but for now, it’s stuck in my head.
I could hear her scream through the TV and it made me cringe. She was just acting, doing her job but her character is one that we’ve all experienced. I don’t think there is any girl out there that has been spared from lurking eyes, from being looked at like a piece of meat and from being touched by people without consent. Where did we as a species go so wrong that it’s now impossible for half the population to feel safe among their own friends and families in their own homes? What did I as a little girl do wrong to deserve this? This consequence is a result of what action of mine?
I hate that a screech from the TV can make me feel all of this and more. I hate that I don’t have the freedom to do what I want because people out there are cruel. I hate that I have to face the consequences of someone else’s action.
There is no fault of mine in this but yet everyday I fight, I struggle and it’s a battle for me. Yet everyday, I face the brunt and I challenge everyone and everything that comes my way. Why? Cause the world is a fucked up place and sadly I am a part of it.
I only hope that nobody has to deal with this, ever. It changes you.